Monday, September 16, 2013

Monday Morning Quarterback King: NFL Week 2 "Better-Than a Chick Fil-A" Wrap

After another painful Sunday of watching football here at TSZ Headquarters (also known as my living room), Marco and I decided to skip the evening game altogether (AKA Muting) and head back to the Drawing Board (AKA The Imaginary Drawing Board), so we could make sure we bring our readers a better product in Week 3. After painstakingly re-examining Our System formerly know as Successful, we believe we have identified the problem, isolated the most influential variables, and are ready to present our brand new, hot off the presses, Spread Zone's Sure-Fire Steps to Successful NFL Sports Betting (AKA Very Dubious Plan B).

IMPORTANT: Please read all directions carefully BEFORE you begin.

Step 1: Read The Daily, well, daily. Make sure you do that. Step 1 is very important.

Step 2: Enjoy the subjectively clever football analysis, the informative game previews, the expert picks, and the abundant and sometimes obscure Google images.

Step 3: Take notes on Vinny and Marco's brilliant albeit plagiarized statistics and trends, even though they apparently mean very little in the face of week-to-week handicapping.

Step 4: Write down all of Vinny and Marco's game picks - in pencil (#2 of course), on a napkin, right next to your football pool pick sheet or the computer/phone/i-Pad with which you do your online gambling.

Step 5: Enter the exact opposite of all of their picks into said pick sheet or technological device and promptly wipe your ass, nose, or whatever else needs cleaning with the napkin.

WAIT! HOLD IT! STOP, STOP, STOP! Pull up your pants, put down the napkin, and keep your cursor away from the little red X at the top right of your screen. Of course there's a Step 6. There's always a Step 6 to the important, ground-breaking things in life. Haven't you ever taken break dancing lessons or tried to figure you how you're related to Kevin Bacon?

Step 6: Make sure you copy down the Over/Under picks onto another napkin whose destiny is not your ass because Vinny and Marco went 11-4 on through the Sunday Night game bringing their two week total up to

Over/Under Total to Date: 22-9; 35-12 if  you count preseason

Sadly, once you've completed Step 6, you can return to Step 5 with the original napkin because:

Picks Total to Date: 9-21-1 ATS; 38-40-1 if you count preseason

As many of you know, we are nothing here if not accountable. Even more regretful than the debacle that has been our public picks is the fact that our Friday Five is off to an embarrassing 2-7 start heading into one of our "locks" in the Monday Night Football match-up. On the bright side, our new Friday Five Over/Under confidence list went 3-1 today, and I have no doubt the UNDER will round things off nicely this evening.

The naysayers have already written us off as this year's Jacksonville Jaguars - very defensive but can't seem to put points on the board - to which Marco and I say (with incredulous indignation) "Nuh Uh," and then struggle to get into field goal range. Fair enough naysayers, but what we really say is, "C'mon - it's Week 2." Show me a capper out there who's doing well and I'll show you a Cat on a Roomba.

But enough about us sucking, what else did we learn this weekend? Here are my Top Five Observations from Week 2's NFL Debacle:

5. Even with all the new rules and player protection programs being implemented in the NFL, football is a rough sports. It felt like Sunday Ticket had added a Red Cross Channel for most of the morning games. Do they just have guys with carts and gurneys circling the field at all times like intercity buses? Why any parent with an athletic child would encourage football is beyond me. In the only time you see baseball players get lit up like that is when someone as dumb as Zack Greinke tries to tackle someone as large as Carlos Quentin.

                     Group Hug!

4. The New Orleans Saints are soft. Take them out of the cushy, weather-protected, temperature-controlled, turf-laden confines of the appropriately named Super Dome, and they turn into a Super Mediocre football team.

"Stupid sunshine and real grass..."

3. The St. Louis Rams are really, really good at exciting come from behind home against division rivals. On the road, not so much.

2. The Green Bay Packers are really, really good at football. I may be blinded by a West Coast Bias over here in California, but during the off-season all I heard was "San Francisco this" and "Seattle that" in a what's thought to be a foregone conclusion that the NFC West is going to represent their conference in the Super Bowl. Sure Green Bay's terrible O-Line and their questionable defense might have something to do with that, but I would still Aaron Rodgers over Kaepernick or Wilson to captain my ship in a heartbeat. I like his arm better, I like his leadership better, I even like his Discount Double Check better than Kaepernicking OR Wilsoning (standing on your tip toes so you're as tall as your date).

"I've been Wilsoning for years. I call it Cruising."

1. There is absolutely no best team in the NFL so far. Seattle sucks on the road and is a beast at home. San Francisco looks amazing because Aaron Rodgers doesn't play defense, then looks like San Francisco State because Seattle does. The Patriots are 2-0 thanks to their schedule and the Texans are undefeated thanks to late game collapses by future 8-8 teams. The NFC North looks like the AFC West, and the AFC West looks like they might actually get two wild card teams this year.

I'm all for parity, but enough is enough. We need some clarity, dammit. Let's brush off the dirt, climb back on the horse and take a long hard look at Week 3's Opening Lines.

Happy Monday????

Vinny and Marco

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