NFL Week 15 Picks ATS: 32 Teams Guaranteed to Win, Lose, or Cover

LAST WEEK:  7-9 ATS 

SEASON TO DATE: 110-99 ATS

THURSDAY THREE FAN PICKS: 1-2 ATS / 6-6 ATS on the season

FRIDAY FIVE CONFIDENCE PICKS:2-3 ATS last week, but still 25-15 ATS on the season.

Coffee Thank You's: Let's jump right in with these, so as not to disrupt the flow of Marco's picks. He needs all the help he can get this week. Special thanks go out to one of our newest readers, Francis M., who sent us coffee regardless of our god-awful Friday Five last week. We hope we can do you right this week. Also, although he said he doesn't need the shout outs, we'd like to say, "Thanks again, Todd," who is looking at being a stock holder in TSZ at this rate. 

And now for something completely different...

When I awoke this morning to a message in the TSZ Inbox that read, "12-12-12 - Happy Aaron Rogers Day," two things occurred to me simultaneously. First of all, I was thrilled for this Green Bay Packers fan that he could find joy on a Wednesday morning in December, dressed to the nines in green and yellow, and likely high-fiving thousands of other cheese heads taking the day off in Wisconsin. 

Secondly, I realized that we are also getting dangerously close to the end of the Mayan calendar. If you believe in the Mayan predictions, the world as we know it will disappear in a cloud of white smoke in just nine short days. Personally, I believe this apocalyptic foreshadowing was probably just tantamount to their world as they knew it coming to an end in a cloud of white people, and they were approximately 600 years off. 

                                 

Regardless of the reasons, be it a day honoring Rogers, Favre, Kaepernick, Smith, or just the end of the world, it is a gentle reminder to us all that life is a gift; that each day on the planet might be our very last one...concussion free. 

If you have close friends you haven't spoken to in a while, pick up the phone and give them a call. If you have Facebook friends whom you've never spoken with, update your damn status and let them know what you're Liking these days. If your children still give a shit about you, give them a hug, a word of encouragement, or teach them about parlays and teasers. And if your husband or wife hasn't left you yet, take a moment to put down the mouse, laptop, i-phone, and let them know that you're never going to change but that you appreciate them loving you for who you are. 

Then pick that mouse, laptop, i-phone back up, because we have some football handicapping to do. Week 15 looks like it will be the end of the playoff world for some teams, while the dangling thread of hope will continue for others. Let's get to it, shall we? Our picks are always bold (we're told) and HOME TEAMS are in CAPS.

Thursday Night Football

Cincinnati Bengals (-3.5) over PHILADELPHIA EAGLES: While I'm trying to get fired up for this game by watching Loni Anderson in reruns of WKRP, the Eagles are getting juiced by watching reruns of seasons when they used to be good. Although Nick Foles is improving at quarterback with every game, their offense will not be enough to match Big Red, Medium Green, and little Andrew Hawkins. This week The Law Firm will be serving the Eagles defense with a summons to appear in his highlight reel. Cincinnati needs this win to get to the playoffs, while Philadelphia needs Michael J. Fox and a Delorean to get there. 

                           

Sunday Morning Football

Green Bay Packers (-2.5) over CHICAGO BEARS: Remember Groundhog Day with Bill Murray? This is what Bears fans must feel like - every year they start out great, Super Bowl talk ensues, injuries pile up, and it's back to the drafting board. While Cutler is trying to get a discount double check from his head and neck specialist, the Bears to should get some freakin' O-linemen. Green Bay will make it six in a row in Chicago this Sunday. 

New York Giants (+1.5) over ATLANTA FALCONS: In eleven games against opponents other than Carolina, Matt Ryan was sacked an average of once per game. In those other two games, the Panthers D-line took him down nine times. You know who has a better front four than Carolina? The Giants. That's who. Matty Ice-Cold will be lit up by Umenyiora and Co. as the Falcons revert to their 2011 playoff form. 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+3.5) over NEW ORLEANS SAINTS: "Mutiny on the Bounty's what it's all about..." We care so little about this game, we have put out a bounty on Fox if they broadcast it anywhere but Louisiana and Florida. Meanwhile, the Big Easy Bounty was finally been put to bed yesterday by former NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue who said evidence in the matter was corrupted by coaches. The same has been said about the New Orleans defense all year. The Bucs have not only been spread-covering fools this year, but are 7-2 ATS in their last 9 trips to New Orleans. Take the points and four Josh Freeman touchdowns all the way to the semi-finals of your fantasy league. Just hypothetically. 

                              

Minnesota Vikings (+3.5) at SAINT LOUIS RAMS: The only question in this game is can the Rams stop Adrian Peterson? The short answer is no. And in this case no does not mean maybe with a little pressure and alcohol. Calvin Johnson might be Megatron, but AP has a bionic knee, which coupled with his gluten-free, vegan, low-carb diet has made him this year's MVP front-runner. The Rams are great at home, but the only team they've beaten this year by more than six points is the Arizona Cardinals. That's practically like losing.

Washington Redskins (+7.5) over CLEVELAND BROWNS: This is the line that came out in our pool yesterday. Here's a trend - the UNDER is 10-0-1 in the Browns last 11 December games and 10-2 in the Browns last 12 home games. With those stats, how the hell is either team ever favored by more than a touchdown? Shanny Jr. might not have the RG3 action figure daddy got him last spring, but the Kirk Cousins blow-up doll will suffice against a Browns team whose current three game winning streak has been against Kansas City, Oakland, and the Pittsburgh AARPs.

MIAMI DOLPHINS (-7.5) over Jacksonville Jaguars: What? A home team? Finally, Marco. It's appropriate that The Who Gives a Crap Bowl is taking place in Miami - in honor of the six week layover between the end of the college season and the "playoffs." Apparently empty stadiums are difficult to get fired up in, so Jacksonville will feel right at home in Miami, they just haven't been very good no matter where they play. In a game like this, go with the more consistent defense. Dolphins reign in the Revenge of the Under Water Mascot. 

                              

Denver Broncos (-2.5) over BALTIMORE RAVENS: The fact that Baltimore, who hadn't lost at home for two years prior to the debacle against Pittsburgh two weeks ago, is giving up points to the Denver tells you just how far from grace their defense has fallen. Talk about a team in desperate need of an inspirational game day tragedy. C'mon Ravens fans, do something - otherwise the Functional Neck Gang is going to make it so you have to visit Mile High in January. 

Indianapolis Colts (+8.5) over HOUSTON TEXANS: The Texans have been exposed. Their defense is as depleted as Chuck Pagano's white blood cell count, but its not motivating anyone to do anything. The Colts, on the other hand, keep finding ways to impress their recovering coach and push towards the playoffs. A win on Sunday or a loss by Cincinnati or the Jets and Indianapolis goes to the playoffs. A loss by nine or less and we go on to the afternoon games happy. 

Sunday Afternoon 

Carolina Panthers (+3.5) over SAN DIEGO CHARGERS: I read somewhere that San Diego is the best 5-8 team in NFL history. They will now be the best 5-9 team with that claim. The Chargers have been awesome in December, covering 9 of their last 11 games, while Carolina is a pathetic 1-6 ATS against the AFC West. We know that, Vegas knows that, and we believe this is a line coupled with a stat that is begging us to take the turnover prone Chargers. Not on Marco's watch. 

Seattle Seahawks (-4.5) over BUFFALO BILLS: Last week the Seahawks covered a 55 points spread, so we're feeling pretty good about giving up 4.5 to an inconsistent Buffalo team - especially since the game is being played at the Rogers Centre north of the border and all of TSZ's Canadian followers have promised to go there, tailgate, and cheer on the pointy birds. Besides, the far superior Smarties will replace Marshawn Lynch's Skittles as he runs circles around his former team in a Canadian sugar-induced rage. 

                           

Detroit Lions (-6.5) over ARIZONA CARDINALS: Remember when Arizona was 4-0, leading the NFC West, and looking like a playoff caliber team? Neither do they. In this compelling Who Sucks Worse Against the Spread Championship game, the Lions enter Sunday with a 2-9-1 ATS record in their last 12 road games, while Arizona boasts a 2-6-1 ATS record during their 9 game losing streak. Leshoure bet is to take the Lions. LOL.

Pittsburgh Steelers (-1.5) over DALLAS COWBOYS: The Cowboys, much like the Chiefs before them, used up all their Tragedy Juice last weekend. How are the Cowboys going to beat the Steelers without Dez Bryant? More importantly, how is Dez Bryant beat his mother with a broken finger? Look for sexual assault to reign over physical assault - again - as Rothliesberger finds his stride in Dallas this weekend.

OAKLAND RAIDERS (-2.5) over Kansas City Chiefs: Brady Quinn Medicine Woman reveals why his show as an NFL quarterback is being canceled. The Oakland Raiders reveal that Al Davis is actually still alive and running the team. Although the Chiefs have been awesome Oakland, winning 8 of 9 SU, and the Raiders have been awful there losing 7 of 8, this game between these two terrible teams will probably be won 3-0 on a 97 yard field goal by Sebastian Janikowski. 

Sunday Night Football

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-3.5) over San Francisco Forty Niners: Tom Brady dates a supermodel. Wes Welker dates a Hooters Hotie. Basic principals of mathematics have taught us that Two Hot WAGS do in fact make a right. Plus, New England doesn't lose in December 21-0 SU, Belichick doesn't lose to rookie quarterbacks, and certainly not to his illegitimate love child, Jim Harbaugh. 

                                  

Monday Night Football

TENNESSEE TITANS (-1.5) over New York Jets: The Jets are also going to be -1.5 coaches when Rex Ryan gets suspended for eating Mark Sanchez during a TV time out in yet another Canadian sugar-induced rage. We think ESPN should be allowed to call audibles on Monday Night football games after Week 13, because of games like this one. Hopefully we'll either have clinched our pool or be entirely out of it so we don't have to tune in for any of this game. 

That's all for this week folks. Don't forget to submit your Thursday Threes by tomorrow morning, so I can get them up by the end of the day.

Good night and good luck,

Vinny and Marco