Monday, December 3, 2012

Monday Morning Quarterback: The Dead Zone?

In the words of the infamous Texas Todd, "Ouch."

If there's one thing Marco and I have learned in our Gambler's Anonymous Meetings, our Frustration Management Groups, and years of Co-Dependent Friendship Therapy sessions it's the invaluable skill and surprisingly scarce quality of accountability: taking responsibility for our actions even in the face of adversity by proudly standing up and saying, "Goddamn, stupid fucking Patriots...Bears...Jets..."

And just when I thought we were going to catch a break, that work of art knows as the Dallas Cowboys special teams unit looked like they had taken the Eagles and the points as they practically escorted Damaris Johnson to a Philadelphia franchise record 98 yard punt return. Moments later, disgruntled former record holder and big time gambler, Vai Sikahema, tweeted this:

Sorry, Vai. It's time for you to find a new pick-up line at the single's bars you're destined to frequent for the rest of your life. Asshole. No one is safe when it comes to accountability at The Spread  Zone.

At this rate, Marco and I are going to hate every team in the NFL by...well, right now. Actually, the Texans and Vikings are currently clinging to our good graces, but it doesn't look good for them next week in New England and Chicago. I have a feeling this Wednesday's write up is going to sound something like this, "Well, I think we can count on not trusting them less than we can count on not trusting those guys."

The only feeling worse than calling a late audible on a game and losing is when you realize sixteen audibles would have won your football pool, kept your Friday Five alive, and gleaned the loving adoration of many a compulsive gambler. As it is, Marco and I are now switching our alliances to the New York Giants tonight, so at least our Thursday Three Fan Picks will be something to boast about.

Even in the face of such a disgraceful day, Marco and I received an e-mail from one of our Canadian readers up north saying, "Yahooo, we're still alive," in the government sponsored football pool. Those Canadians are crazy, but suddenly we felt new life, new hope, and ultimately a new sense of shared accountability towards the stupid, fucking Chargers and the goddamn Ravens. And Charlie Batch. Somebody please wheel him back to the retirement facility and give him his medication.

Okay, I feel better. You should try it - it's very cathartic. Please fill up the comments section with teams you love to hate and hate to love. Even if it's just this week. We want to hear about your failures. And your successes, I guess. Loser.

Coffee Donation Thank You's: Ryan K. and Jose G. Sorry about the lack of value this week, gentlemen.

I think it might be time to return the Friday Five for Free(ppaccinos). Like Jimmy the Weasel's sister's pimp cautioned her before entering the field, "Sugga, sometimes it's better to be good for nothing than to suck for money."

Vinny and Marco