Dog Pound Inspires Four Remorse-filled Interceptions
Cleveland, OH - In what turned out to be a nail-biter, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick kept the game close, hurling a career high four interceptions to a young and inexperienced Cleveland Browns secondary.
After denying that lingering pre-season injuries and media hype hampered his game, Vick acknowledged that it was in fact the Cleveland Browns dog pound that was weighing heavy on his mind. "I thought they were some kind of animal rights group. And they seemed so angry. I thought that was all behind me, and it just really confused me."
Indianapolis Colts Researchers Working Hard on Time Machine
Chicago, IL - In what turned out to be a lopsided 41-21 loss to the Chicago Bears, Indianapolis Colts rookie quarterback Andrew Luck threw for over 300 yards with a touchdown pass and three interceptions. When asked after the game if he stood by his decision to let Peyton Manning go, Colts owner Jim Irsay said unequivocally, "Absolutely. That was a great effort by Andrew. I haven't looked back once since making that decision."
Nine hours later, after Prime Time Peyton led a pedestrian Denver Broncos team in a 31-19 comeback win over the Pittsburgh Steelers, rumors began that Irsay's top scientists were pouring over time machine blueprints he had purchased after an agonizing AFC championship loss to the New England Patriots years ago. "It's just a formality," Irsay tweeted, "This has absolutely nothing to do with" then ran out of characters before driving out of cell phone range.
Skelton Injury Launches New Bounty Investigation
Glendale, AZ - Kevin Kolb lost the fight for Arizona Cardinals starting quarterback job, then said, "There's no time to sulk in the NFL." Turns out he was right - less than four quarters into the season, the job was his again. Coincidence? The NFL doesn't think so.
After the game, NFL investigators launched another bounty investigation. According to anonymous sources from Us Weekly and Ok Magazine, rumors have circulated that a paper confirms a link between the Seahawks D-line and Kolb. At this point it's just conjecture, but the evidence is mounting.
In the comments section below, share your favorite Week 1 NFL rumor. Winner gets public praise and adoration from yours truly.
Vinny and Marco
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