Monday, October 14, 2013

Monday Night Football: Colts Chargers Pick ATS

Monday Morning Quarterback: Are You Smarter Than a Three Year-Old?

Last week I was telling one of our newest readers, Cam, that I was raised to believe we should "Laugh at that which we would otherwise cry about." Although it was more of a mandated defense mechanism than an optional spiritual tool in my family, it has still served me well through life's more difficult challenges such as divorce, death, losing at fantasy baseball, or our current six week football handicapping losing streak. Six weeks? 

Do you know how hard it is to maintain that level of ineptitude? It's unfathomable to me that picking pieces of paper from a hat, flipping a coin, having your cat choose between two dishes, row-sham-bowing, and countless other chance-based activities would yield - not just better results - but WAY better results than we've been producing. Now, to add insult to injury and cuteness to despair, my three year-old daughter's NFL Week 6 Picks ATS were not only better than .500, but also beat every single TSZ and CBS Expert, going 8-5 ATS (she passed on the Lions/Browns game) when you give her the original Jags and the Titans picks I tried to talk her out of. If you need video evidence - we've got it. Sadly, our picks are documented, too.

All of that being said, however, I  must admit that Week 6 feels a bit like those old Good news, Bad News jokes:

Gallery Owner: I have some good news and some bad news.
Artist: What's the good news?
Gallery Owner: The good news is a man came in here asking if the price of your paintings would go up after you die. When I told him they would he bought every single one of your paintings.
Artist: That's great! What's the bad news?
Gallery Owner: That man was your doctor.

Although our weekend was a bit more like this one:

A man has had a serious car accident. His wife rushes to the hospital as soon as she hears about it.When she arrives, the doctor says to her "Ok, ma'am, I've got some good news and some bad news."
"What's the bad news?" she asks
"You're husband is a vegetable," the doctor says, "He cannot move, see, or hear. You will have to care for him 24/7 and always be by his side. You will have to dress him, wash him, change his nappy, and he will scream every night in pain which will mean you will never sleep."
"Oh my god" replies the woman reluctantly asking, "what's the good news?"
"Ah, I'm just f*cking with you," says the doctor, "Your husband's dead."

The bad news is obvious - Our picks went 4-10 ATS (8-6 over/under).

The good news, however, is that is our Friday Five went 3-1 ATS with the Colts lined up to finish the job against the Chargers tonight. How's that for Spin Doctoring? Barring a last second touchdown pass by Tom Brady to beat the New Orleans Saints, we'd be looking at a perfect 4-0 Friday Five. Thanks a lot, Tom. Isn't being a good-looking, millionaire married to another good-looking millionaire enough? Sheesh. 

So there you have it - although we were horrible once again there is a silver lining for TSZ Insiders who have been waiting patiently to get a little bit of value for their $17. Well, fear not Insiders, we're two weeks away from beginning our first annual Texas Todd Recoup Your Ill-Invested Insider Package Money Contest where you  get to submit your top five picks and compete against Marco, me, and the rest of our TSZ staff. You're all probably licking your chops. It's not too late to sign up and compete. Prizes will include

Fourth Place: A lifetime TSZ Insider Memebership Your $17 back
Third Place: Your $17 back - minus PayPal's commission
Second Place: $50...worth of future TSZ Insider Membership subscriptions
First Place: An unpaid position as a TSZ Expert for the 2014-15 NFL Season

I'm joking, of course. There will be real, nominal prizes, such as a refund, a Starbucks gift card, and a TSZ t-shirt handmade by yours truly. 

Stick around. I'm sure my daughter's addition to the staff will turn things around.

May the Spread be With You All,


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