Phillip Rivers Blames God for Monday Night Football Loss

San Diego, CA - In a Monday Night Football game for the ages, a capacity crowd at Qualcomm Stadium saw the Denver Broncos comeback from a 24-0 halftime deficit to upset the division leading San Diego Chargers 35-24.  

With the clock winding down in the fourth quarter and San Diego threatening to take the lead, veteran Chargers quarterback, Phillip Rivers pump faked, dodged the pass rush, stepped out of the pocket, and sent a perfect spiral right to Harris for a touchdown. Unfortunately, Harris plays for the Broncos and the touchdown went the other way, sealing the game for the Broncos. After the game, a humble, first-year Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning said, "It was a team effort. We needed all fifty-five guys tonight. Plus the fans who made the trip to San Diego. This was a classic example of human spirit."

In the post-game press conference, San Diego quarterback Philip Rivers - known equally for his passion for football and his passion for Christ - was unabashed about dishing out the blame for this opening game loss. "Human spirit?" Rivers mocked, "This had nothing to do with human spirit. This loss, the Broncos "victory" if you will, was one hundred percent God's vengeance against me, against my family."

When asked to elaborate by ESPN correspondent, Vinnessa Jr., Rivers responded, "Listen, for the past four years I've been thanking God for wins, division titles, playoff games, conference championships, and so on. God and Jesus have been good to me, and in return I've been making a good little army of Christian babies. I've definitely kept up my end of the deal."

Rivers paused, clearly getting emotional, "Now I've got four daughters and one son, my house is a freakin' mess, my wife Tiffany is on anti-depressants and downers, and I'm pretty sure she's sleeping with my best friend, Jake Peavy. And to be honest, I don't even care anymore. He can have the lot of them. Basically, I just got tired of playing by God's rules, tired of stepping on toy cars and Barbi dolls and re-injuring my fuckin' bum knee, tired of picking my wife up off the kitchen floor in a Valium-induced coma. I'd had it. So a few years ago after my last daughter was born, a daughter I owed God for the six-year, ninety-two million dollar contract extension I'd signed in  '09, I decided to defy God, defy my Christian faith, and get a March Madness vasectomy."

Silence in the press room.

"So, that's it. I've got nothing more to say. I thought I could get away with it, but clearly God wants his vengeance. He wants my balls in a vice and not the kind post-surgery provides. I'd like to say I'm sorry to Chargers fans around the world, but I'm not. I'm not sorry at all. You try dealing with five kids and a drugged up wife when your body hurts six months a year. I knew I should have stuck with baseball. God's way too busy to care about 162 game season. Asshole."

 Rivers with ESPN correspondent, Vinnessa Jr.

THE END

Incidentally, fellow gamblers, this is the kind of fiction Marco enjoys writing now that he's a father. Hope you enjoyed our 9-5 ATS week. New system with early picks coming soon. 

Peace out.

Vinny, Marco, and Vinnessa Jr.  - Pretty cute, right?