In the fourth quarter of Thursday Night's division showdown with the Seattle Seahawks, the Forty Niners led the game 13-6 with less than a minute left in the game. The line on the game favored San Francisco by 7.5 to 9 points, and although they were cruising to a victory it appeared as though bettors backing Seattle were going to be the ones celebrating.
On 4th-and-17, Seattle QB Russell Wilson completed a pass down the middle to Ben Obomanu from his own end zone. During the play, a chop-block was called on Seattle, which led to a safety because it occurred in the end zone. Suddenly the Forty Niners were up by 9 and looked as though they were going to be double winners. Shocking the fans, fantasy football owners, and about 75 million dollars worth of gamblers, Jim Harbaugh demanded the points be taken off the board so the Niners could take over on downs and run out the clock.
In a practical, wild-shit sometimes happens in the NFL universe, Harbaugh's decision was considered a great coaching move. From the irrational, crazy, why-does-this-always-happen-to-me mind of a gambler, the decision led to death threats, boos from his own fans, and the birth of questions as to whether Harbaugh was the new Pete Rose of the NFL.
As the story unfolded, it became evident that Jim Harbaugh did in fact have a long-standing relationship with local bookie, Silvio The Cleaner Machado, an historical gambling legend who has come upon hard times in recent history. When asked directly about his ties to The Cleaner, Harbaugh acknowledge knowing him during the brief stint between his playing days and his coaching career.
When asked if he bet on the Seattle Seahawks Thursday night, Harbaugh scoffed, then offered a vague analogy about war, family, and how safety in that situation is a misnomer because his decision was the safest choice available. Asked if he has ever been a gambler, Harbaugh confessed that after he left the NFL he missed the game so much, gambling helped him stay connected.
"As it turns out," Harbaugh bragged, "I was really, really good at it. I mean really good. I made more money gambling on the NFL than I ever made playing in it. Unfortunately for Mr. Machado, I was his best and his worst customer. By the time I landed the coaching job at the University of San Diego, I'd cleaned out The Cleaner." He paused for the chuckles that trickled through the press room.
Harbaugh continued, "Silvio's owed me a ton of money by the end of our run together. He promised he would cover my bets, but his career was never the same after that. I never really needed the money, but if there's one thing the Harbaugh's hate it's a welch. And Welch's grape juice. And Welsh people. But mostly just bet welchers. You just don't do that. I wanted my money, and Machado knew it."
So, did I bet on the Seahawks game? Of course not. But I finally had the opportunity to help The Cleaner collect on all the local action he took on the Niners this week without costing us the game. It was a practical, smart, safe coaching decision on my part, and now Mr. Machado has almost enough money to pay me back. No harm. No foul. No safety. No problem. I did nothing wrong," he concluded triumphantly.
The stunned press room erupted in questions, but Harbaugh waved them off, "Sorry guys, the over under on this news conference is seven minutes, and The Cleaner still owes me a few dollars. Peace out papparazzi," Harbaugh added and strode out of the room.
The End
Thanks for ruining our perfect week, asshole.
Vinny and Marco
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