Tony Robbins to Coach New York Jets

More crazy, pre-season news coming from the NFL. Will the Jets be good after all?

FLORHAM PARK, N.J. -- On the eve of their final preseason game, the New York Jets have traded in Training for Leadership Camp. 

The Jets, who became a national punch line last season because of their dissension-torn locker room, sent 19 players to a leadership training seminar Wednesday in nearby Bedminster, N.J. Head coach Rex Ryan who attended the same seminar with his staff in May said, "It was the best experience we've all had together since Mark Sanchez was in college. We all felt hopeful and connected. 

"The world was our oyster again," defensive coordinator Mike Pettine added solemnly. 

The leadership seminar was conducted by the one and only Tony Robbins, who has gained world-wide celebrity for his powerfully motivating quotes and incredibly large teeth. "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten," his childhood dentist told his parents while up-selling them to a set of porcelain veneers. 

                             

"What Tony taught us," said a tearful O-Line coach Dave DeGuglielmo, "is that there is no offense or defense. That the only fences are the ones we create in our minds. That really made a lot of sense to me."

Jets fans would certainly agree with the first part of Robbins' sentiment, but will a leadership seminar be enough to fix the ails of one of football's proudest organizations and return it to its recent questionable prominence? 

"Unless Robbins is a QB coach, too, I'm not convinced this is going to help," said the usually very enthusiastic super-fan Fireman Ed, then yelled, "J-E-T-S," and jumped on this brother Frank's shoulders, immediately re-injuring his bad knee. 

"More will be revealed," said some ancient wise person, and that appears to be the case with the New York Jets. Will Tony Robbins' masterful quotes about success and achievement be enough to turn this laughing stock of an organization around just days before the regular season kicks off?

Will Jets starters be able to walk on fire and return victorious. Or will Tim Tebow, as he has done with most of our sports nation, convert Robbins into a believer that the only fire anyone must endure is that of eternal damnation?

                        

I'm not convinced there is much difference between that and the season the Jets are about to face. 

Anonymous Source

Posted by Vinny and Marco

Dez Bryant Totally Rules

 We promised you news, too, and here's the latest Dallas debacle ripped straight from the headlines

                   

                

Two days after Dallas Cowboys owner, general manager, part-time coach, and fourth string quarterback Jerry Jones held a press conference to announce The Dez Bryant Rules, he retracted his statements, pulling a Roger Clemens in saying, "It appears the media misremembers what I actually said."

Prior to his retraction, however, the Don of Dallas told KRLD-AM listeners, "I'm not going to discuss any of the rules, because that implies that there are a certain set of rules. I don't know that that's correct, either. So really, just by the nature of it, it's not one that you would really discuss. We have rules of behavior in the NFL and we have rules of behavior with the Cowboys as well. So I'm not so sure there's been any new rule created here." Then he turned the tables on the morning talk show host saying, "Let me ask you a question, Mr. Smarty Pants - How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?"

Later that morning, Jones held another press conference to announce an upcoming press conference during which he would clarify his verbal gymnastic, imploring journalists to be patient and "please not write any of that nonsense he said earlier." 

Finally, during the second segment of his afternoon talk show "Keeping Up With the Joneses," Jerry spent fourteen minutes reciting famous quotes about rules, inserting Dez wherever he deemed appropriate.

"Everything Dez Bryant needs to know he learned in kindergarten - Robert Fulghum."

"You have to learn the rules of the game, and then you have to play better than anyone else - Albert Einstein. Yeah, that's a pretty good one," he'd occasionally mutter to himself.

"If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun - Katherine Hepburn. No, no, not that one" he added.

"Sex is full of lies. The body tries to tell the truth. But, it's usually too battered with rules to be heard, and bound with pretenses so it can hardly move. We cripple ourselves with lies - Jim Morrison. Hmmmm. Yes. Juicy. I think that one explains everything," Jones added aloud.

"Ummm. Mr Jones," said the cameraman, "We've been back on air for about five minutes."

At the end of the four-hour, self-hosted, self-produced, self-directed show, Jones asked and answered a compelling question in the form of a cartoon:

                 

You can't make this shit up!

Stay tuned - you don't want to miss our pick for the upcoming Cowboy-Giant game next Wednesday.

Vinny and Marco

Straight 'Stache Homey

What do Bert Reynolds, Sean Connery, Zoro, Floyd Pepper, and Yosemite Sam all have in common? Easy - they all sport a mustache that catapulted their careers from mediocrity to legend -wait for it - dary.

I kid you not, my friends, these were struggling actors and cartoon characters before they grew their lady tickers. Zoro was a self-proclaimed zero, and even Floyd Pepper was a depressed, unemployed Muppet until his experimental crumb catcher landed him a gig as the bass player for Electric Mayhem.

                                   
                       Hey, there ain't nothin' to it but to do it! 

Here at The Spreadzone we endeavor to bring you the most significant Fantasy Index Betting Stats (F.I.B.S.) our extensive research has discovered. In the NFL, the mustache is nothing short of The Force, which is why Mike Ditka's closest friends still affectionately call him Yoda. The power of the 'stache is often strongest in coaches, which explains the successes of Obi Wan-like Mike Holmgren and his fraternal twin Andy Reid. Unfortunately, when Holmgren took the GM job with The Browns, he must have thought his cookie duster wouldn't fall prey to the Millen Principle, which serves as a reminder to us all that mustaches and business don't mix.

                       

If, however, there is a modern day Luke Skywalker in the NFL, it is former Titans and current Rams coach, Jeff Fisher, whose unforgettable mouth brow was so powerful it changed the culture in Tennessee. To this day, the lines on their football field are known as 'stache marks, the stadium's  number one selling food is 'stached potatoes, and when you pay they say, ""Stache or credit?"

In the trenches of today's NFL, the power of the 'stache continues to prevail. Take notes, my friends, this is the good stuff. Sure I could throw out names like Aaron Rodgers and Joe Flacco, both a grizzly 11-5 ATS in 2011, but the more impressive example is the lesser known Charlie Whitehurst (I know - Who?), back-up QB for the Seattle, whose flavor saver guided the 'Hawks to an 8-1 record ATS until he foolishly grew it out into a full-blown beard.

Whitehurst regrew the mustache and left the Seahawks this off-season to serve as Philip Rivers back-up in San Diego. Don't get too excited, Charger fans, I've seen Philip Rivers WAG (see http://www.thespreadzone.blogspot.com/2012/08/curse-of-hot-wag.html), and there is no way he's getting injured this year. Or ever.

                               

Seriously. Am I right? So remember people: If You Want to Win the Cash, Bet on the 'Stache.

Vinny and Marco

Curse of the Hot WAG

Okay, people. With ten days left until the Dallas Cowboys and New York Football Giants kick off the 2012 NFL season, let's strap on our cojones and get down to brass tacks. In an attempt to gain an edge on our gambling competitors, Marco and I have done an extensive amount of research behind the scenes of professional sports. Combing through hours of video, multi-media, illegal audio wire taps, and even unlikely sources such as Us Weekly and People magazine, we have managed to uncover some surprisingly powerful variables - Fantasy Index Betting Stats (F.I.B.S.) - that not only influence but predict the outcome of professional football games.  In the next few days Marco and I will be revealing - free of charge - some of our most recent and exciting discoveries.

Curse of the Hot WAG

Everybody knows about the Madden Cover Curse. After ten years of increasing popularity, AE Sports started putting superstars on their video game cover instead of Madden's ugly, aging mug. First on the throne was Barry Sanders in 2000. He didn't play a single down all year. In fact, he never played again - retiring before the season began. His replacement, Dorsey Levens, worn down by a knee injury, was released by the Packers in 2001. In 2004, Michael Vick went down with a rib injury. Two years later, Donovan McNabb, who publicly dismissed the curse, ended up tearing his ACL. Even the Iron Man, Brett Favre, holder of the longest streak of consecutive starts in football history, tore a bicep ligament the year he was featured on the cover. He was never the same again.

A lesser known but equally powerful force that has infiltrated the National Football League is what Marco and I have dubbed The Curse of the Hot WAG (Wife and/or Girlfriend). Formerly known as The Kardashian Effect during the days of Kim and Reggie (Superbowl to Super Scandal) and Cloe and Lamar (World Champ to World Chump), The CHWAG is becoming the more inclusive and broadly accepted term.

By studying the piece of sensationalized media in the link below - brought to you by Bleacher Report - Marco and I managed to extract some very useful and incisive information.

http://bleacherreport.com/articles/1298484-the-hottest-nfl-wives-girlfriends-rankings-br5

At first glance, it's just a bunch of millionaires and they're hot WAGS. Bees to honey and all that. Am I right? Of course I am. But let's look more closely at the facts. Of these ten seemingly lucky football players:

1) four were seriously injured during the 2011 season.
2) two - although they made it to the Super Bowl - ultimately threw and missed the (wide open) pass that cost them the game.
3) two more were cut from their respective teams this fall, with Chad Johnson spending some time in jail thanks to marrying the Career WAG, Evelyn Lozado.

The CHWAG doesn't always rear its ugly head immediately, sometimes lulling its victims into a false sense of security, but the fact of the matter is very few survive unscathed. Scotty McKnight might count his blessing if all he loses is his job and his Panettiere. After all, he still has two good knees and no legal troubles.

So what does this mean for the upcoming season? It means anyone who picked the Chicago Bears to win the Super Bowl isn't paying attention. When the quarterback and the defensive captain are both on the H-WAGon, I promise you disaster is right around the corner. Remember, Cutler was dating Cavallari back in 2010 when he had to leave the NFC championship with a knee injury. A week later he was spotted dancing with her in Hollywood. Sometimes science is mysterious as hell.

So, before making your Week 1 NFL picks this year, Google the shit out of the team's top players. Find out who might be under the  CHWAG and shave some points off the spread. Trust me, this is no freakin' joke. And just to further illustrate my point, using Newton's Law of Opposites, here's a picture of two-time Super Bowl champion Eli Manning's wife.

                                 

                    He might just win it all again this year.

Peace out,

Vinny and Marco

Important Gambling Tip #4

Fool's Gold

 Traditional gambling a la Atlantic City, Las Vegas, or even nefarious, back ally Bookies is unequivocally - with the exception of investing in Facebook earlier this year - the stupidest thing you can possibly do with your money.

As Marco likes to say, "You don't build multi-million dollar theme hotels on a dessert with losings." We affectionately call the Vegas casinos Sand Castles. Not even Harry Potter could work his magic there. A fool and his money...am I right? Nuff said. 

                                    

Similarly, that convertible Caddy, faux fir coat, and blingity bling bling your bookie sports didn't come from the generous contributions of his client list. Bookies are basically portable casinos, they are essentially the house that always wins, which again illustrates that gambling as a general rules is for dumbasses.

                                               

"Word on the street is you're an idiot."

That being said, there are scenarios in which gambling makes perfect sense. Those scenarios include, but are not limited to head-to-head bets, gambling pools, and everybody's favorite game - truth-dare-double-dare-love-kiss-or-promise. Who's in?

Stay away from the strips and the street corners, people. Choose your opponents wisely, study their strengths, uncover their blind spots, and most importantly, make sure they're a bigger idiot than you are.

Vinny and Marco

Stay tuned for our upcoming countdown to the 2012 NFL season, including the most comprehensive, infallible, and ridiculously accurate tips to pre-season scouting that will ensure regular season gambling success. You will not be disappointed. 

Important Gambling Tip #3

The Persona

Gordon Thomas Matthew Summer. Allen Stuart Konigsberg. Chan Kong-San. Richard Trenton Chase. Any of these name ring a bell? Of course not, because these guys would never have been successful without choosing a winning name first. Even Charlie Sheen, who we all know is  about "bi-winning" was born Carlos Irwin Estevez.

Let's try that list again: Sting, Woody Allen, Jackie Chan, The Vampire of Sacramento. Okay, the last name was assigned because he was a serial killer who sucked the blood of the six victims he killed in the winter of '79, but I mention this because an earned nickname is even more powerful than the ones you choose yourself. 

When it comes to gambling, it's essential to have a strong pseudonym that gives you a sense of confidence when laying your paycheck, pink slip, or house deed down on 7 1/2 point spread. Act as if. Fake it 'til you make it. Don't be a douche bag. Whichever expression you use, the message is the same. You have to believe in yourself and others have to believe in you. If you name is Nick Dandalos, Eric Stoner, or John Ferguson that's probably not going to happen. Change those to Nick the Greek, The Cincinnati Kid, and Stanford Wong, and you have some of the most famous gamblers in the history.

So, before you lay a single dime on this season's NFL line-up, it's time to get yourself a solid stage name. This might all be pearls to swine if Marco and I hadn't put some serious thought into who we wanted to be last year. Now the names Vinny Gunindapants and Marco the Spy make our opponents question their own ability to compete. If you think I'm full of shit, just ask Cornelius Crane how his acting career was going before he got wise and became Chevy Chase.

Now for the how to. It's simple really.

Rule #1: Add or insert a weapon into your last name: Jimmy the Knife, Sonny the Blade, or Vinny's name above.

Rule #2: Add or transform your name using a mysterious or intimidating job: The Cleaner, The Boxer, The Spy (see above)

Rule #3: Go to the following website and explore options:

http://gangstaname.com/names/mafia/generate

It's important to do your research and put thought into your choice. For example, I entered my birth name into the mafia name generator and it came out Carlo Lottaspaghetti. Deal breaker. Sounds like an indulgent, lazy, fat guy. If I switch over the Mexican wrestler option, I become Poison Picante. Better, but certainly no Vinny Gunindapants. Similarly, my daughter's mafia name was Autistic Gina Diorgano, which initially seems like a bad fit, but when you think about Rain Man and the toothpicks, it might strike fear in the hearts of fellow gamblers. 

So choose wisely my friends. Success breeds friends and enemies. The whole world might start talking about you, and I believe it's much more likely if your name is Meat Loaf than Marvin Lee Aday.

Back atchya soon.

Vinny and Marco

Important Gambling Tip #2

Ignore the Experts

They say if you want to make a million dollars gambling, start with two million. They also say this about the wine industry, the stock market, and blogging. Nonetheless, the hills are alive with the sound of squishy grapes, wall street is always occupied, and the Internet is rampant with analysts, writers, and fans who boldly call themselves experts and offer - sometimes even sell - their opinions as facts. We've learned that the only fact about gambling is the house almost always wins.

And this, my friends, is our house.


When Marco and I grew up in the hood together on the southeastern part of West Avenue, we forged a friendship based in a mutual love of all things competitive. From professional sports to college athletics, Nintendo 64 Bass Masters 2000 to X Box FIFA Soccer 13, Wiffle Ball to anything you can play with balls, reality to fantasy, we did it all. If you still say gay for happy, then we were the gayest kids on the block.

Last year Marco and I decided to roll the dice on turning our passion into a profit industry, joining a football pool and taking its participants to the cleaners. We were classic rookies in the beginning of the year - using CBSSports as our main resource and following the guidance of idiots like Prisco and Judge. One of them nailed a 14-2 week against the spread and we thought he was a god. By mid-season he was under .500 and still beating the rest of their elite football journalists. ESPN experts aren't even brave enough to make picks against the spread, and I'm pretty sure Accuscore is owned and operated by Vegas casinos.

We started to feel like we were getting marriage counseling from Bobby Brown, dieting tips from Oprah, or singing lessons from Justin Bieber. Ridiculous. Let's ride our own damn roller coaster we decided. So, we started taking expert picks with a grain of salt and spoon full of judgment. After all, we had doubled our money by Week 9 and had a better overall record than any of the clowns we used to respect. That's when The Spread Zone was conceived. Nine months later, we're delivering.

Turns out football isn't about numbers and points and match-ups. It's about psychology and history and luck.

Enjoy the free picks while they last...

Vinny and Marco

Important Gambling Tip #1

Friends Don't Let Friends Gamble Alone

The Designated Driver. The Optometrist. The Honorary Cow Poker. These are terms most often associated with memorable, alcoholic nights on the town. Who's going to drive to make sure the rest of the drunks get home safely? Who's going to stay sober to temper the enthusiasm inspired by beer goggles. And most importantly, who is going to take one for the team when the Optometrist and The Driver throw caution to the wind and start drinking, too.

Much like alcoholism, gambling can be a serious and lethal addiction. If you believe you have a problem with either one of these issues, there are wonderful rehabilitation facilities and extremely supportive Twelve Step groups for losers like you. If, however, you are just a recreational gambler or still clinging desperately to the denial that fuels your next big score, then by all means continue reading. Over the course of our incredibly successful 2011 NFL season, Marco and I discovered several inherent advantages to Team Gambling. 

1. Splitting the Investment: This helps facilitate the illusion (to both yourself and your loved ones) that you're barely even gambling. If you're only in for half or a third as much as your gambling counterparts, then you clearly don't have a problem

Caution: Like going out for a round of drinks with friends, this feels economical until it's your turn and you realize it makes no difference. Similarly, the exhilaration of success with split investments can often lead and individual gambler to develop a false sense of confidence which might inspire solo betting.


2. Blind Spots: I love women with curves. Marco loves exotic looking ones with attitude. After a shitload of drinks, without an Optometrist, circles start to look curvy, and tan girls who bitch slap Marco get marriage proposals. Last year, my fat girl was the Indianapolis Colts and Marco's fiery Latina was the Buccaneers. By gambling together, we helped each other avoid our personal pitfalls and take home more cash.

Caution: Talk it out, people. Sometimes a Rosie O'Donnell or a Rosie Perez is just what the doctor ordered. You might not marry her, but at least she'll help you cover the spread - if you know what I mean, eh fellas.

3. Friendship: Everybody knows that social drinking is not alcoholism. That's science. It's the same thing with gambling. People only start to worry when you're doing it alone. Or getting arrested.

Caution: None of these benefits guarantee winning. Nor does having an Optometrist guarantee sight. Who knows what his blind spots are, right? It's important to remember that not everyone can be a super-gifted Vinny or Marco when it comes to gambling. What this sub-strategy does guarantee is having a whole lot more fun winning and losing money while riding the ridiculously intoxicating roller coaster that is degenerate gambling.

Happy Betting.

Vinny and Marco

UNDER ARMOUR TEAM GEAR Under Armour Texas Tech Red Raiders #24 NCAA Men's Football Jersey, Black - Med (Google Affiliate Ad)

Why Us?

Nature abhors a vacuum. At least that's what my cousin Jimmy said when his girlfriend threatened to move out if he didn't clean up his pad. A week later, still living in filth, she was gone. Two weeks later he had a new girlfriend. So I guess he was right.

Similarly, when news broke that Turner Sports had paid a cool $180 million for Bleacher Report, one of our go-to on-line sports and gambling sources, Marco and I both had the exact same thought: could we pull of the Ted Turner 'stache? The answer was, "Of course," and "You're welcome." We also simultaneously realized there was suddenly a huge void to fill in multi-billion dollar sports industry.

We have no doubt that Turner Sports, much like it once did to the liberal, open-minded grass roots Atlanta Braves organization, will turn Bleacher Report into a racist commercial industry, likely encouraging its subscribers to engage in mock Native American war chants while reading the precious Insider Articles they pay to have access to six minutes before everyone else. With Bleacher Report making like the Jeffersons, it's time for a new face in the apartment of American sports fans.

Stay tuned, folks, it might get messy. But don't worry - we hate vacuums, too.