Two days after Dallas Cowboys owner, general manager, part-time coach, and fourth string quarterback Jerry Jones held a press conference to announce The Dez Bryant Rules, he retracted his statements, pulling a Roger Clemens in saying, "It appears the media misremembers what I actually said."
Prior to his retraction, however, the Don of Dallas told KRLD-AM listeners, "I'm not going to discuss any of the rules, because that implies that there are a certain set of rules. I don't know that that's correct, either. So really, just by the nature of it, it's not one that you would really discuss. We have rules of behavior in the NFL and we have rules of behavior with the Cowboys as well. So I'm not so sure there's been any new rule created here." Then he turned the tables on the morning talk show host saying, "Let me ask you a question, Mr. Smarty Pants - How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?"
Later that morning, Jones held another press conference to announce an upcoming press conference during which he would clarify his verbal gymnastic, imploring journalists to be patient and "please not write any of that nonsense he said earlier."
Finally, during the second segment of his afternoon talk show "Keeping Up With the Joneses," Jerry spent fourteen minutes reciting famous quotes about rules, inserting Dez wherever he deemed appropriate.
"Everything Dez Bryant needs to know he learned in kindergarten - Robert Fulghum."
"You have to learn the rules of the game, and then you have to play better than anyone else - Albert Einstein. Yeah, that's a pretty good one," he'd occasionally mutter to himself.
"If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun - Katherine Hepburn. No, no, not that one" he added.
"Sex is full of lies. The body tries to tell the truth. But, it's usually too battered with rules to be heard, and bound with pretenses so it can hardly move. We cripple ourselves with lies - Jim Morrison. Hmmmm. Yes. Juicy. I think that one explains everything," Jones added aloud.
"Ummm. Mr Jones," said the cameraman, "We've been back on air for about five minutes."
At the end of the four-hour, self-hosted, self-produced, self-directed show, Jones asked and answered a compelling question in the form of a cartoon:
You can't make this shit up!
Stay tuned - you don't want to miss our pick for the upcoming Cowboy-Giant game next Wednesday.
Vinny and Marco
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