Sunday, August 26, 2012

Curse of the Hot WAG

Okay, people. With ten days left until the Dallas Cowboys and New York Football Giants kick off the 2012 NFL season, let's strap on our cojones and get down to brass tacks. In an attempt to gain an edge on our gambling competitors, Marco and I have done an extensive amount of research behind the scenes of professional sports. Combing through hours of video, multi-media, illegal audio wire taps, and even unlikely sources such as Us Weekly and People magazine, we have managed to uncover some surprisingly powerful variables - Fantasy Index Betting Stats (F.I.B.S.) - that not only influence but predict the outcome of professional football games.  In the next few days Marco and I will be revealing - free of charge - some of our most recent and exciting discoveries.

Curse of the Hot WAG

Everybody knows about the Madden Cover Curse. After ten years of increasing popularity, AE Sports started putting superstars on their video game cover instead of Madden's ugly, aging mug. First on the throne was Barry Sanders in 2000. He didn't play a single down all year. In fact, he never played again - retiring before the season began. His replacement, Dorsey Levens, worn down by a knee injury, was released by the Packers in 2001. In 2004, Michael Vick went down with a rib injury. Two years later, Donovan McNabb, who publicly dismissed the curse, ended up tearing his ACL. Even the Iron Man, Brett Favre, holder of the longest streak of consecutive starts in football history, tore a bicep ligament the year he was featured on the cover. He was never the same again.

A lesser known but equally powerful force that has infiltrated the National Football League is what Marco and I have dubbed The Curse of the Hot WAG (Wife and/or Girlfriend). Formerly known as The Kardashian Effect during the days of Kim and Reggie (Superbowl to Super Scandal) and Cloe and Lamar (World Champ to World Chump), The CHWAG is becoming the more inclusive and broadly accepted term.

By studying the piece of sensationalized media in the link below - brought to you by Bleacher Report - Marco and I managed to extract some very useful and incisive information.

At first glance, it's just a bunch of millionaires and they're hot WAGS. Bees to honey and all that. Am I right? Of course I am. But let's look more closely at the facts. Of these ten seemingly lucky football players:

1) four were seriously injured during the 2011 season.
2) two - although they made it to the Super Bowl - ultimately threw and missed the (wide open) pass that cost them the game.
3) two more were cut from their respective teams this fall, with Chad Johnson spending some time in jail thanks to marrying the Career WAG, Evelyn Lozado.

The CHWAG doesn't always rear its ugly head immediately, sometimes lulling its victims into a false sense of security, but the fact of the matter is very few survive unscathed. Scotty McKnight might count his blessing if all he loses is his job and his Panettiere. After all, he still has two good knees and no legal troubles.

So what does this mean for the upcoming season? It means anyone who picked the Chicago Bears to win the Super Bowl isn't paying attention. When the quarterback and the defensive captain are both on the H-WAGon, I promise you disaster is right around the corner. Remember, Cutler was dating Cavallari back in 2010 when he had to leave the NFC championship with a knee injury. A week later he was spotted dancing with her in Hollywood. Sometimes science is mysterious as hell.

So, before making your Week 1 NFL picks this year, Google the shit out of the team's top players. Find out who might be under the  CHWAG and shave some points off the spread. Trust me, this is no freakin' joke. And just to further illustrate my point, using Newton's Law of Opposites, here's a picture of two-time Super Bowl champion Eli Manning's wife.

                    He might just win it all again this year.

Peace out,

Vinny and Marco

No comments:

Post a Comment