NBA FINALS: 2-1 ATS
KYLE'S NHL PICKS TO DATE: 51-39-1
KYLE'S MLB PICKS TO DATE: 165-132-7
KYLE'S UFC PICKS: 11-6 (8-0 on confidence picks)
KYLE'S TENNIS PICKS: 2-0
Well, it was bound to happen - I just didn't expect time to rise to such a premium so fast that I would have to back shelf one of my favorite hobbies - gloating about Miami Heat losses - until tomorrow. As co-creator of the fastest growing satirical sports gambling blog alphabetized under the letter "T," my calendar is suddenly filling up with social events and public relations responsibilities. Yesterday, I was negotiating with the state of Illinois to allow a die-hard Chicago Blackhawks fan to continue growing his playoff lawn, and today I'm off to Clay-merica to referee a Celebrity Deathmatch between Tiger Woods and Sergio Garcia.
Playoff beards are a common act of solidarity amongst teammates and fans during post-season runs, but Frank Miller of Park Ridge, Illinois took his playoff growth to new heights. Having had the misfortune of dealing with a flooded basement early in Chicago's run to the Stanley Cup Finals, Miller let his lawn go by the wayside. By the time he got around to landscaping, he decided to embrace his shaggy lawn putting up a sign that read "Playoff Lawn - won't cut until the 'Hawks win." While Atlanta fans were concerned his lawn may never be cut, Blackhawks-loving neighbors were supportive and some even let their lawns get a few centimeters too long.
Unfortunately, the city of Park Ridge had concerns about the long grass becoming a breeding ground for mosquitoes, and sent a warning to Miller to cut his playoff lawn. When he ignored their request, the city hired someone to do it for him. One day, while Miller and his son were watching the Blackhawks game he heard a lawnmower approaching his house. A few minutes later, his playoff lawn was merely a putting green. While Miller was un-phased by the incident until he received a bill from the city, conspiracy theorists in Park Ridge are convinced a notorious Boston Bruins fan and member of the Park Ridge Homeowners Association is behind the untimely trimming.
As for the umpteenth version of Handshake Gate, Sergio Garcia and Tiger Woods locked hands on the practice green yesterday just three and a half weeks after Garcia took their historic feud to an ugly place when he responded to a question about having Woods over for dinner during the U.S. Open by saying, "Yeah. We'll have him around every night. We'll serve fried chicken."
Although Woods says Garcia never actually apologized for his racist comments last month, I'm guessing that's because he's either not sorry at all or had no idea how to extract the foot he shoved half way down his own throat from his mouth.
"Hey, Tiger. Listen. Um. Can I call you Tiger? Is that racist? When I said I was going to have you over for fried chicken, what I meant to say was grilled chicken, but my English is not impeccable when it comes to describing methods of cooking poultry. I'm not a racist, Tiger. Of course I meant grilled chicken - with a little lemon twist perhaps. I mean look at you. You're strong and lean with big very muscles and...can I see your teeth again. Very nice. Very nice."
What a d-bag.
"What happened to us, Sergio?"
What's really bumming me out is that I'm in a golf pool where you pick your top three golfers for each of the four majors - no overlap, so twelve golfers all together. I have a feeling the karmic backlash of this incident will carryover through the rest of the season, and while I have Garcia placing in the PGA at the end of the summer, I already used Woods in the Master's.
Although the Woods-Garcia feud is about as lopsided as the bad blood between Michael Jordan and a teenage Kwame Brown, the lingering tension between the two should make for interesting golf and certainly makes the Death Match worth the free price of admission.
More on the Heat-Spurs Game 3 tomorrow.
Vinny and Marco
PS Kyle sent me a text from a remote location in Handicappistan with the information below. It was a little tricky to decipher but it looks like some solid MLB picks. There appears, however, to be no suggestions for Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Finals tonight, so at the risk of inspiring the ire of Bruin-loving fans in Canada and knowing very little about hockey, I'm going to take a stab at that right here. Listen closely while I lay some serious knowledge on you.
Boston Bruins at CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS: This series promises to go six or seven games with both teams being very good at skating on ice with sticks. On the whole, I find Chicago's uniforms to be more intimidating, while I would more likely be caught wearing a Bruins jersey as casual attire. Regardless of my hockey knowledge, rumor has it that numbers never lie, so with the Blackhawks 27-4-3 record at home this year, it's hard to see them losing the series opener. In addition, both the Bruins and the 'Hawks hit the UNDER in 60% of their contests, so chances are this game will do the same. Prediction: Chicago 3-1. Take the UNDER.
KYLE'S CORNER
Sorry I missed you all yesterday, but I've been called away on special assignment by the Handicappers Guild of North America. I might be here a while, telecommunications are down, but I've wired a lighter flint to a remote control which should hopefully function as a basic texting device.
Updated Totals
NHL: 51-39-1
MLB: 165-132-7
Today's Pitchers to Back:
ATL: Maholm (7-4, 3.46 ERA)
PIT: Liriano (4-2, 1.75 ERA)
STL: Miller (7-3, 1.91 ERA)
Overs:
BOS: Aceves (2-1, 6.57 ERA) @ TB: Archer (1-1, 4.91 ERA) O*
CLE: Jimenez (4-4, 5.03 ERA) @ TEX: Tepesch (3-5, 3.92 ERA) O10
Good luck.
Kyle
Daily Reminders: SHOP AT AMAZON! But only if you do it here:
1. Our statistical updates are now unofficially sponsored by Amazon.com. Don't worry, we'll never sell out entirely. But neither will they - check out the great sales on anything you can imagine. Rival bids for sponsorship include ebay.com, Oldnavy.com, 1800flowers.com, and32redpoker.com (the best spot for you on-line gamblers). Click around and support The Spread Zone.
2. Please feel free to e-mail us at vinnyandmarco@gmail.comanytime with any questions. If we don't know the answers we'll find someone (Google) who does.
3. Donations are always welcome but this is truly a labor of love, so most importantly we hope you're enjoying your visits to TSZ.
Ok guys I've taken it upon myself to handicap tonight's game in Chicago. You have no idea how hard it is to tell you who's gonna win tonight because I'm on my phone and the buttons are so small it may look like I'm taking Chicago. Ya right, Boston wins tonight and also wins the series. I do like Vincenzos under pick and I'll take Boston to win 2-1.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Mysterio. It's the second quarter and if the game ended right now you'd be dead on. All it took was predicting an outcome and I'm suddenly a die-hard hockey fan.
Delete